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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25192519">Iwa-chan, I miss you.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlbethere/pseuds/mapotofu'>mapotofu (owlbethere)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5+1 Things, Angst, Car Accidents, Character Death, Hints of Kagehina, M/M, POV Oikawa Tooru, Suicidal Ideation, Ushiwaka is a good friend, iwaizumi hajime's death, no beta we die like men, oihina brazil fling, prepare tissues, small sex scene, the Brazil fling was just a fling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:49:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,896</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25192519</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlbethere/pseuds/mapotofu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>What was it like—to go from two to one, from <i>OikawaIwaizumi</i> to just Oikawa?</p>
  <p>Oikawa laid on the hospital bed, hand clutching his phone, which had been retrieved from the accident. What was it like to live without his best friend? Oikawa didn’t want to know.<br/></p>
</blockquote>In 2014, Oikawa visits Iwaizumi in Japan. However, the two get involved in a car accident. These are five moments of Oikawa’s grieving process and one moment of his acceptance.
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hanamaki Takahiro &amp; Iwaizumi Hajime &amp; Matsukawa Issei &amp; Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Oikawa Tooru &amp; Ushijima Wakatoshi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Iwa-chan, I miss you.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I hurt, Oikawa hurt, you hurt, everyone will hurt, let's share those tissues ;-;</p><p>tw: suicidal ideation, starts in part 2 with the paragraph <b>“Oikawa clutched his arms against his chest”</b> and ends with <b>“The two boarded the subway car closest to them"</b></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b>1</b>
  </p>
</div>What was it like—to go from two to one, from <i>OikawaIwaizumi</i> to just Oikawa?<p>Oikawa laid on the hospital bed, hand clutching his phone, which had been retrieved from the accident. What was it like to live without his best friend? Oikawa didn’t want to know.</p><p>His reality was a nightmare. Please, Oikawa thought, let him wake up.</p><p>Going to Argentina after his high school graduation had been a hard decision. <i>OikawaIwaizumi</i> became Oikawa and Iwaizumi, separated by land, sea, and a large time zone difference. Yet, the phone calls and their connection to volleyball held them together. It held Oikawa together.</p><p>Sometimes he would long for milk bread, unable to find anything close to the soft, fluffy texture in Argentina. He would long for the familiarity of speaking Japanese, his mother tongue. He would long for Miyagi, Aoba Johsai, and, heck, even Ushiwaka’s ugly mug.</p><p><i>Shittykawa,</i> Iwaizumi’s texts would always say.</p><p>But Oikawa knew better. Iwa-chan would mean to say, “Have you been eating? How’s your leg? You better not overwork yourself.” And most of all, Iwa-chan’s meanness was his acknowledgment of their never-changing bond. Just Shittykawa and Iwa-chan.</p><p>The news was calling it a “freak accident.” Oikawa had been feeling masochistic, looking for online articles. He regretted it.</p><p>Why?</p><p>Oikawa turned off his phone and looked up at the ceiling. Why were the gods unfair? Why take Iwa-chan? He dwelled and stewed. His back felt funny. The nurse on duty had told him of possible spinal injury.</p><p>What a cosmic joke this had been. It was supposed to be a reunion. Oikawa had found vacation time to return to Japan.</p><p>A happy occasion gone wrong. Two best friends. One death. One possibly a cripple.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b>2</b>
  </p>
</div>“Oikawa,” Ushijima called, his voice stern. He continued to knock on the front door. “I know you’re in there.” He received no answer. Growing concerned, Ushijima tried for the door. To his surprise and rising worry, it was open.<p>“Pardon my intrusion,” Ushijima murmured to the house while entering. He locked the door behind him before he switched to a pari of slippers sitting in the foyer, placed his sneakers neatly with the other outdoor shoes, and proceeded on his mission to find Oikawa.</p><p>Ushijima’s relationship with Oikawa had always been one of rivals. He would never believe that he would enter Oikawa’s house one day back when he was a student at Shiratorizawa. But he owed it to Iwaizumi Hajime.</p><p>It was a bitter pill to swallow, to believe that Iwaizumi, young and filled with aspirations to be a sports trainer, would cease to exist. So soon, Ushijima mused. Or rather, too soon. They were just starting their careers. Ushijima had only joined the Shweiden Adlers for almost a year.</p><p>The house creaked under his footsteps. It felt silent and hollow as if the building shared Oikawa’s pain and mourned with him.</p><p>Ushijima found Oikawa asleep in the living room. The other man had fallen asleep while sitting on the floor, back against the sofa. It was an uncomfortable sleeping position, especially for someone who barely got approval to be out of the hospital. That was bad. Oikawa might have set himself back in recovery.</p><p>Ushijima frowned. He squatted down by Oikawa and woke him up. </p><p>“W-wha, huh, Ushiwaka—?!” Oikawa screeched, rubbing his crusted eyes.</p><p>“It’s time to wake up, Oikawa.”</p><p>Oikawa squabbled, as he usually did, when he saw Ushijima, but the house seemed to heave a sigh. Ushijima assisted Oikawa in standing, ignoring the dried tear tracks on the brunet’s face and the scattered photo albums on the floor.</p><p>“Mou, seeing Ushiwaka’s face first thing in the morning is an unlucky sign,” Oikawa pouted. “And how did you get in here? The door is locked.”</p><p>“It’s the afternoon, Oikawa, so you should be fine in terms of luck.” Ushijima stepped away once Oikawa regained stability in his posture. “And I’m not sure what you mean by the front door being locked. I was able to enter because it was unlocked,” Ushijima hastened to rectify overstepping his boundaries, “I would not have done so but no one answered.” And he got worried.</p><p>The rest remained unsaid but Oikawa knew. He moved on from the uncomfortable thoughts, and he pondered over the front door situation.</p><p>Oikawa washed his face in the bathroom on the first floor. Climbing up and down a flight of stairs would have been detrimental so he had Ushijima move some of his belongings to the first floor guest room when he had been released from the hospital. As he was finishing his skincare routine, he figured out the answer. His hands paused in midair, in the process of patting cream onto his cheeks.</p><p>Ah, he thought, Iwa-chan usually locked the door.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima and Oikawa stood on the subway platform, waiting. Oikawa was going to his physical therapy appointment with a therapist recommended by Ushijima’s father. Apparently, the therapist was also an Aoba Johsai alumni.</p><p>What a coincidence.</p><p>Oikawa clutched his arms against his chest, an embrace yet also a shield against the rest of the world. As more people gathered on the platform, Oikawa’s mind jumped to the train tracks.</p><p>What if—?</p><p>It could end his nightmare, and maybe, he’d wake up to Iwa-chan.</p><p>Oikawa released his arms and moved to step forward. He wanted to be beyond that yellow line. Suddenly, the platform rumbled from the incoming train, their train. <i>Just over the edge,</i> the void seemed to sing. <i>Hurry, hurry, it’s coming.</i></p><p>Ushijima nudged his arm, and the moment was over. The subway slid to a stop in front of them. Oikawa broke from his trance. At first, Oikawa was angry, but then he was horrified with himself and his apparent loss of will to live. Oikawa cycled through a multitude of emotions as Ushijima waited patiently by his side.</p><p>The two boarded the subway car closest to them.</p><p>“What do you want for dinner, after the appointment? I know a great place for Hayashi rice.”</p><p>“Hmph. I guess we can eat that.”</p><p>Oikawa would never admit it but Ushiwaka had become his lifeline in an Iwaizumi-less world.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b>3</b>
  </p>
</div>Oikawa attended Iwaizumi’s wake on a Saturday morning, rescheduling a therapy session. His mother clutched his arm as the two stood in ceremony. Dressed in black, the mourners were silent and grim. The Buddhist priest chanted a sutra, and the room listened.<p>Oikawa stared at the photo on the altar, imprinting every single detail into his mind. He couldn’t forget the slant of Iwa-chan’s eyes, his wrinkled eyebrow when he was upset, his puckered lips when he was working on a hard homework set, and his candid smile when the two conversed late at night about aliens versus Godzilla.</p><p>Gods, he couldn’t forget.</p><p>(They could have had something, if only Oikawa hadn’t been too chicken to confess. He hid feelings and basked in his fangirls’ attention. And then Argentina happened. Stupid, stupid Oikawa.)</p><p>The priest finished his chant, and the Iwaizumi family started off the ritual, one by one. They took the incense, held it to their forehead, and dropped it into the burner. Then they prayed and bowed to the portrait.</p><p>One by one, each person went up and completed the ritual. And then it was Oikawa and his mother’s turn to do the same. They finished with a bow to the Iwaizumi family before returning to their places once more.</p><p> </p><p>Once the wake was over, his mother tapped him on the hand and motioned to his friends. With a grateful nod, Oikawa reunited with Matsukawa and Hanamaki with an embrace.</p><p>Hanamaki sniffled. Matsukawa rubbed his red eyes.</p><p>“Fudge,” Oikawa whispered, unwilling to curse in a sacred space.</p><p>“Let’s walk, yeah?” Hanamaki said.</p><p>The three agreed and left the temple. As they walked, the sidewalk felt too small and too big at the same time. The four friends had often paired off, so, as the three walked side by side with Oikawa in the middle, Oikawa felt off-balanced.</p><p>They stopped at an empty park hidden in the residential area. Oikawa perched on a bench and Hanamaki followed suit. Matsukawa remained standing, hovering.</p><p>“I don’t know what to do without Iwa-chan,” Oikawa uttered. He stared ahead at the swings.</p><p>Hanamaki wrapped a warm hand on Oikawa’s right one.</p><p>“I-it was supposed to be a h-happy occasion, we were supposed to be happy,” Oikawa cracked. Tears welled up once more, and he couldn’t be bothered to wipe them. They ran freely; it was the new normal. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”</p><p>Hanamaki shifted and threw an arm over Oikawa’s shoulders, mindful of the weight and Oikawa’s injury.</p><p>“Maybe I should have never come back,” Oikawa whispered.</p><p>“No,” Hanamaki said fiercely. “It wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault. It was out of your control.”</p><p>Matsukawa broke his silence. “Iwaizumi was so happy when you texted him that you were coming to visit. We were happy, too.” He knelt down and took Oikawa’s left hand. His suit creased. “So don’t say such things.”</p><p>“I-I’m sorry!” Oikawa bawled. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.” It became a litany as the three held their own vigil in an abandoned park.</p><p> </p><p>Time passed as the sun reached its peak in the sky. The three friends sat on the bench together as Matsukawa had migrated from his kneeling position. Sweat gathered on their backs, soaking into their suits.</p><p>Hanamaki’s stomach growled. “Ah, I want char siu ramen,” he sighed.</p><p>“I want dumplings on the side with tan tan noodles,” Matsukawa commented.</p><p>“I’m feeling for tonkotsu,” Oikawa said.</p><p>“Our treat,” Hanamaki and Matsukawa immediately said. They weren’t going to let their friend and former captain pay, not this time.</p><p>The three stood and meandered the streets for a ramen shop. It was a lovely day with a clear sky. It was another outing with Makki and Mattsun. Iwa-chan would have loved it.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b>4</b>
  </p>
</div>“So how are you feeling? Any aches or pain?” Matsumoto-sensei asked. The doctor eyed the patient before him.<p>“None so far. I’ve been feeling fine for maybe a week or so,” Oikawa admitted.</p><p>Matsumoto hummed in response as he flipped through the paperwork before he set it aside. “Alright, I’ll be doing a brief check-up.”</p><p>Oikawa complied with a nod.</p><p>After Matsumoto finished prodding Oikawa’s muscles and moving his torso this way and that way, he gave Oikawa a clean bill of health. “You’re free to start exercising,” he said, “but start off small, okay? I know you’re an athlete, so you have to be careful with your body.”</p><p>“Of course,” Oikawa replied.</p><p>“On another note, how are your therapy sessions with Yuko-sensei?”</p><p>“Fine. We’re working on how to proceed since I’ll be returning to Argentina.”</p><p>“That’s good.”</p><p>Argentina, his home away from home. Blanco was waiting with the rest of his teammates.</p><p>Despite his desperate need to return to volleyball, Oikawa couldn’t help but wonder if he was running away. He already did it once. He ran to find himself, to rebuild his entirety, to be better.</p><p>Iwa-chan. There was no Iwa-chan waiting in Japan once he left in two weeks.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b>5</b>
  </p>
</div>“Is this real life?”<p>“Grand King?!?!”</p><p>It was 2016, and Oikawa found himself face to face with Chibi-chan on the other side of the world. Oikawa and his team came to Rio for an exhibition match. And what was Karasuno’s number ten doing here?</p><p>Apparently, beach volleyball.</p><p>Hinata Shouyou stood his ground in the shifting sands as if he was made to play beach volleyball his whole life. Tanned skin. Orange hair still as bright as Oikawa remembered. For the second time in his life, Oikawa wondered the hilarity that was his life.</p><p>“Well, we’re going ahead.” His two teammates slapped him on the back, leaving him with Hinata.</p><p>“Want to catch up with some lunch? My treat,” Oikawa offered, acting as the senpai even though he was new to the country. “You pick the restaurant.”</p><p>Hinata’s eyes watered and Oikawa panicked.</p><p>“T-that’s so nice of you, Grand King! I just lost my wallet while doing a delivery job!” Hinata’s stomach growled in agreement.</p><p>Oikawa laughed.</p><p> </p><p>Snap! A selfie of the two was sent across the world. Kageyama received the photo as he changed in the locker room. The setter pulled Ushijima, who was passing by, to have a look at the picture.</p><p>Ushijima considered the photo of his two rivals carefully. His own phone buzzed. It was from Oikawa who sent a barrage of photos including the one he just saw.</p><p><i>Ushiwaka, guess who I found in Rio?!</i> Oikawa’s text read. <i>I bet the two of us can beat you and Tobio-chan!</i></p><p>Kageyama stared at the photos with a wrinkled brow. He wasn’t sure who he was most surprised of—the boke, Ushijima-senpai, or Oikawa-san. He opened his mouth. “You’re close with Oikawa-san?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>And that was that.</p><p> </p><p>Perhaps it was no surprise when the two rolled into bed together. Filthy, wet kisses trailed down his neck. Oikawa moaned as Hinata swiveled his hips in a sinful way.</p><p>A tweak of the nipple made Oikawa arch off the bed. He was putty. Hinata played his body like a conductor leading an orchestra.</p><p>“H-hah, aghh!”</p><p>“F-fuck, so good…”</p><p>The symphony continued into the night with skin slaps, squelches, and groans. Pedro tossed and turned, the unwilling audience member.</p><p> </p><p>Morning arrived and Oikawa searched for a heat source. His arm found none. As he opened his eyes, he saw Hinata—Shouyou, he corrected—sitting on the floor with his back to Oikawa. He was meditating, Oikawa realized.</p><p>Oikawa sighed and relaxed, his limbs sprawled all over. For once, his mind was silent. There was no ghost whispering cruel things in his ears.</p><p>“Good morning, Oikawa-san,” Hinata said. He remained in his sitting pose.</p><p>“Morning, Shouyou.”</p><p>“Do you want to eat breakfast with me? I’m making some in a bit.”</p><p>“That’ll be great.” Oikawa wondered what other skills Shouyou had. Cooking, volleyball, and sex. He eyed the other’s upright back, muscles pronounced and naked for his viewing pleasure. Oikawa added ‘muscles’ to the list and threw in ‘health’ because it was 6 AM. It was a miracle he was awake without an alarm.</p><p>“Oikawa-san?” Hinata turned to look at the man lounging in his bed like a king.</p><p>“Hmm?”</p><p>Hinata hesitated, biting his lip. Seijoh’s third year ace lingered in his mind. He shook his head. “Never mind.” He stood up and stretched out the kinks in his muscles.</p><p>“If you’re wondering about Iwa-chan, then it’s okay to ask,” Oikawa said gently. It was a subject that most people wouldn’t broach.</p><p>“How did you handle being across the world from Iwaizumi-san?” Hinata blurted. He thought of Kageyama’s stupid face before he banished it.</p><p>“I didn’t. Not really anyway,” Oikawa sighed. “I wish,” he stopped. “I wish I said something earlier. Maybe nothing would have changed but,” he shrugged.</p><p>“I see.”</p><p>“That’s why you should hurry and confess to Tobio-chan, Shouyou!” Oikawa sang, pulling Hinata onto the bed.</p><p>“E-eh, eeehhh!! W-what do you mean!!” Limbs flailed and struggled, attacked in a tickling session.</p><p>“You’re so easy to read.”</p><p>Hinata spluttered, face red.</p><p>(Oikawa wished he could see Iwa-chan like this. But the thought easily faded into the recesses of his mind as he helped Shouyou prepare a meal. He was relieved to find himself unweighed by the past. It had been hard to forgive himself.)</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b><br/>
<i>+1</i><br/>
</b>
  </p>
</div>Oikawa dusted the tomb and surrounding area, and he changed out the withered bouquet for a fresh one. He had swung by a store and bought one with forget-me-nots, honeysuckle, and cosmos. It was Obon season; it was time to visit Iwa-chan.<p>People milled about in Oikawa’s periphery as he finished tidying up the space. Oikawa breathed. He had almost missed Obon this year, just like the previous year. Fortunately, his years in the Argentinian league were over as he was invited to play for Japan’s national team in the upcoming Nations League competition.</p><p>Oikawa placed two mikan oranges in front of the tombstone. He took a step back, joined his hands together, and prayed.</p><p>“Iwa-chan, tadaima. I’m back in Japan,” he started. “It’s been four years since you passed, and I still miss you.”</p><p>He rambled about his travels, his teammates, and updates from their old friends. He confessed his Brazil fling with Hinata Shouyou because he wasn’t going to lie to Iwa-chan.</p><p>“And yet, despite having mind-blowing sex, we decided that it would be best if we remained as friends. Shouyou got together with Tobio-chan, can you believe it? And I was the one who got Shouyou to confess. Anyway, I think Tobio-chan is going to propose soon because Ushiwaka has been exasperated with the constant ring shopping,” Oikawa chuckled.</p><p>“I know you would probably say, ‘why the fuck are you still here, Shittykawa? You should probably move on with your life.’ And I am. I’m trying my best,” Oikawa choked. “Damn, I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry in front of you.” He took out a handkerchief and dabbed his eyes.</p><p>A passing breeze ruffled Oikawa’s hair as he recomposed himself.</p><p>“I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe I’ll find someone, maybe I won’t. But it won’t change how much I miss you. I spent about two decades with you, and I wish I could have spent a lifetime by your side.</p><p>“Iwa-chan, I love you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <em>timeline of events:</em>
</p><p>2012: The Aoba Johsai third years graduate.<br/>2014: Iwaizumi studies abroad for a semester at Irvine, CA.<br/>2014: later in the year, Oikawa returns to Japan, and the car accident happens.<br/>2016: Hinata goes to Brazil, and he meets Oikawa.<br/>2018: Oikawa returns to Japan and visits Iwaizumi for Obon.</p><p>
  <em>flower meanings:</em>
</p><p>forget-me-not: <i>memories, true love</i><br/>honeysuckle: <i>bonds of love, happiness</i><br/>cosmos:<i>harmony, order, love</i></p></blockquote></div></div>
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